EvilArtBunnyMusings

Time for change. Time for the new me... time to clean up my room gosh...

that's it. throw in the towel. who am I kidding anyway...

I've dreamnt of everything. Zombies, chest bursting aliens, diseases, giant insects, end of the world, more death and decay than I care to think about.. There seems to be a constant emotion attached to the entire thing - I don't quite know how to describe it. Disgust? Hopeless? Fear? Despair?

It's been horrible. I've been thinking of sleeping on the floor to see if it changes anything.

I almost feel as though something terrible was trying to reach across some gulf and tell me something. Like hell was coming. That the apocalypse was finally here.

Or my subconscious was warning me of a dark trend in my mind. Some ressurection of my fear of death born by changing temperatures.

Where went my pleasant dreams?

It's a simple question and a gift to be able to have the time and ability to ask it.

Stop selling me dreams
Fucking system of economies
Systemic disease of society

Stop telling me stories
There are no dragons
There are no gods, no hells nor heavens

Stop fucking with me
Take away the hope
Despair, die and decay already

Why waste the fucking time
Tell the selfish gene to shut the fuck up
Time to stop replicating
Time to stop dreaming
So stop selling me dreams

Something intelligent :D:D:D

I am a fan of Taylor Swift (although in truth I prefer her radio edit songs more than her actual album). And of course heard of the hooha at the VMA event with Mr West. This led to a research of finding the videos of the actual event, which in turn led to some... less than savoury findings.

There are hundreds of people out there, making videos of themselves asking rubbish questions and giving more rubbish answers to events world wide. Most of these people come from... should I say it?... America. Where I suspect Youtube is something of a phenomena. Seconds from the insult occuring there were videos online of people giving their opinions. The replies going back and forth as long as the VMA lasted and well beyond. The best part is that these people would get a lot of response. Not all the responses were as vapid. But a good deal were. I was almost alarmed at myself realising that I had just contributed to the video being watched hits tally. Although in my defence, I was just looking for the actual event. Instead, I got average looking guy after average looking guy giving me their bland opinions. I wonder why girls don't post their opinions as quickly? Perhaps it is more acceptable for a guy to be average looking and appear on a video (More acceptable to the girl wanting to post a video that is).

Goddamn it I'm ranting like one of them now. Give me a moment to find my depth and clarity once more.

Yes, I finally got smart and checked some news websites that gave me what I was looking for. What interested me was the actions of West actually and completely backfired. His statement was met by a cheer for only a second before the jeering began. Following this, Swift got a massive sympathy and empathy response and Beyonce got to look good by giving Swift her 15 seconds. So only Kanye lost out in the entire fiasco. More people probably now know and have watched Swift's video than he would have imagined I believe. A very uncalculated move there.

It amuses me that had West done it more quietly later (assuming that Beyonce hadn't won best video which would have abated his disatisfaction) by say twittering it. Or going online to start some ugly rumours about award choosing by the VMA. Repercussions would have been a lot less harsh and we might even have found a surprsig number of people who might have agreed with him! Being defended by the anonimity of the net, how many others might have voiced their disapproval? Strategy, West. It's all about strategy.

Another amusing thought that comes to mind is a... transactional exchange. Say we could place a value upon the popularity of a entertainer. West lost popularity and Swift and Beyonce gained. If we could measure it, I wonder what the results would look like? Would we see an equivalent shift in value, or would West have lost more than the total gain by the two divas, vice versa? Of course, there are problems with the question itself. but it is an interesting economical one.

On a more human note, I was very touched by all the shennanigans. It is always heartening to watch a seventeen year old singer suddenly make it big. One of those stories, you know? And it obviously, it was very kind I thought of Beyonce to give her moment away. True she has had her fair share, but good ettiquette should never go unpraised. And as for West, the perfect villain everyone wants to hate. I hope the poor guy survives it haha.

It's that six month period once more guys. Time for a new blog or something like that.
I will either radically change this blog. Or drop it and start a new one. The notion is routine to me. Take care take care!

Consider our precarious positions
And dubious chemical transitions
Can't understand
A life that is bland
Our strange and curious decisions

thank u thank u

But there is no more balance. No centre, no horizons. Endless landscapes. Meaningless without end. Or there is nothing but the end. Slowly spiralling towards a centre yet motionless and gray. Only blank walls. All thoughts lead back to death at the end of things. The only real question we have to ask ourselves is whether suicide is worth it or not? Loneliness is an odd thing. Do we die alone? And if we died alone what then. Blank walls. Meaningless shapes upon a paper. Only meaning is the one we derive from it. Lying to ourselves from the true horror. Transcend the patterns, that there is no pattern. Only emptiness. Nothing.

once again. Why do I have these prolonged periods of boredom and lack of energy?

The closer you get to the speed of light, the more time slows down for you.
We move through the space time continuum  at some sort of constant energy input. The more energy used to move through space - the less energy is spent moving through time. Think about it.

That's number 7 of the year getting married amongst my friends. I shouldn't care or be affected. But maybe if I'm honest enough with myself I am. On clear silent mornings like this where I can hear no voices but my own in my head.

I'm jealous. Or terrified. Maybe.

It's odd being twenty five and feeling like a teenager. Searching for something you know not what.

Falling in love should be a simple process.

Centre of balance.
Self control.
Understanding.
Harmony.
Peace.

Peace is not progress however. There is no movement from one state if there is no pressure to do so. Peace is not complacency though. Complacency hints at the unhappiness at a situation but unwillingness to do anything about. Or perhaps willingness to endure a particular condition as movement is more stressful.

What is peace then?

To conquer himself, a man has to understand himself. What are the laws that govern us? What are we striving to achieve? That is a particularly male way of thinking. Conquer, strive, achieve. What do the females yearn for? To be understood? To be safe, to care, to nurture?

My thoughts are running away with me once again. Peace. In order to become stronger - I must first do away with things that keep me here. Little fears. What do I fear? Rejection. Unacceptance. Ridicule. Dying alone. Basic fears. What everyone fears. I need peace. But where can we find peace? Where does it lie?

All soul searching is essentially the same. They start from without. You look around everywhere for the answer until finally you realise, the answer lies within you anyway. The end of the journey is always back at the beginning. And you were never sure why you could not see it before.

is to have my life like this

When I look into the mirror, I see a man. Skinny around the ribs perhaps but with a lot of potential. I see a face that is ready to contort into all sorts of amusing leers and laugh and joke. He moves smoothly and easily. He is a man who has a lot of hope and energy and life.

Why do I not see this with my mind's eye? Why does the mirror give me a better reflection of myself than I will. A truly interesting ponderance.

but the music isn't playing.
Why???

Docklands waterfront. 11PM at night. Outisde Lavish Club

I have stopped looking into their eyes. I searched for meaning once but found it not. I wonder if their eyes were searching too. Feeling the silence beat all around us. Is that why we surround ourselves with each other? With music and laughter and light? My attention is turned to a docking party boat. They cheer and blow horns as they pull in. I wonder what it is they are cheering for.Is it life? The surface of the water reflects the city lights. But I know beneath lies a silent abyss. Where neither light nor laughter penetrate. It coats us all. All we do is lie to ourselves to the terrible truth that encompasses everything. We are alone.